More on Women Who Love Soldiers - What Your Love Means To the Men Who Fight the Wars

Mimi, Please keep this discussion going, I am going through the same thing myself, however, my boyfriend is not deploying, but is in the AF and is being re-stationed in Hawaii. I have been so confused what to do and how to approach things. This series (as many from you) is extremely helpful.

Linda

Much more from women who love men in the military, and women who are IN the military.

These emails will touch your heart and maybe break it. All names have been changed.

Where to write to soldiers:

http://www.anysoldier.com/

Dear Mimi,

I can comment on this with experience. My husband was in the military for 33 years, and I know for a fact that a girlfriend needs to be there for him without ultimatums. He is not going to mention the big "M" word or discuss his relationship with you, because he has said nothing, take it at this point in time, that all is well.

What you are wanting to do, another woman did to my husband in Vietnam. She pressured him to get engaged, etc., and then she broke it off while he was over there and married someone else. It caused grave hurt and emotional scars. His mates have told me the effect on him as well as them. I met him after he came home from the war. I also had long separations from my man due to Military life and exercises and there is always risk.

Right now your guy needs your love support and loyalty. He will need your love, letters, care packages of essentials he does not have or cannot get, send photos, and do not write about your problems or insecurities. This man is about to go into a war zone and anything can happen. He will be nervous and possibly scared about it, but he will not say so. If anything negative happens with you, it could cost lives at the other end, due to his upset emotional state he will not be focusing as he should.

Take this time as a special time for you. Start those projects you want to do, spend time on you, set out to make yourself a confident and happy person. Still see friends, and maybe even his friends - but not too friendly with them !!!!! Reason: life with a military man means that there will be time apart, you and he have no control over this. The strength and depth of love will be shown by your confidence in him (NO BIG TALK).

He also needs to know that you are capable of being on your own and the trust and loyalty is there. This makes a very solid relationship and he can get on with what he has been sent to do with confidence all is well at home. Any negative things, Dear John letters, etc., has a real impact on all his colleagues and mates at the time, so your actions will also affect others and possibly their safety.

A lot a men in the military, due to the fact that there is always a danger, they often do not open up, they accept it "as is." If you do marry and have family later, your faith in him now and loyalty will be a very strong point with you relationship later raising children in his absence (been there and done that) he will feel safe with you, that you will not let him down. These situations make or break relationships in the military.

And what more..... when my husband died from war injuries a few years ago after 25 years of marriage to Him and the Military, while cleaning out his things, I found EVERY SINGLE letter I had ever written to him while he was away, tied with red ribbon. The ones written before we became engaged were tied separately in the bundle. It says a lot.

SO, tell him you love him, support him, love him from afar, every letter tell him you love him, be creative with your letters, (I used to draw coloured pictures on my envelopes, and the other guys would tell him there's a letter for you - it became a trademark and a high point for him, and some of the guys were envious of his girlfriend - he told me so when he came back), write about nice things that you did together and experienced together, this lets him know you care and that the relationship matters, give him positive information and above all Love and HOPE, and write OFTEN. This is war, not a holiday excursion. He may be killed, injured or disfigured, so he must know that it will not matter, that it is HIM that you love.

So if you love him and are serious about your relationship... BE THERE FOR HIM. Take the mental view that this is a new experience and get on with it with confidence, Wish him well, say goodbye with a smile and with love, no hysterics (seen that and not good), a tear is OK, and go home and cry in private, wreck your mascara. This will be his last memory of you until he gets back and it is important, be nicely dressed, smell nice, etc... This is giving him nice memories to hold him over until he comes home to you - this is one of the important memories of you.... most important.

This way he can be proud of you. And now his mates look after me, and I'm now in my 50s they are my friends too, and because the relationship with my husband - some of them served overseas in war with him; they look after me now. That is how it is with the Military (in Australia).

Best of Luck to Amy.

Mimi, there is so much more to this and I feel this young girl needs some really sound advice on how to handle herself and be there for him.

"Jean"

Hi Mimi,

Just one more thing about Amy and her "soldier boyfriend." While we all understand her need for commitment before he leaves, let's just consider one of the worst scenarios:

I had a friend who was very much in love with her GI boyfriend and he with her. Unfortunately he was sent overseas and got very badly injured. I won't go into the horrid details, but believe me, there wasn't much left of him when he came back, save his brain and his ability to speak...

He felt he wanted to release her from the relationship despite their previous agreement that they were in a committed relationship...

She felt torn between pity and loyalty... but had to admit to herself that she couldn't possibly have married him now.....

Had they waited for the 'talk' till he got back....... do I need to say more?

While I wish Amy all the best and her boyfriend all the luck in the world... I feel the 'talk' can wait... and wait...............

cheers.........

"Felicia"

Mimi:

You are "gorgeous"....

SFC "Rourke," just to add to your story... I have been back home for a little over 2 years from Iraq.

I got divorced when I returned home... People don't understand how much the "I care" packages mean to a soldier.

If you can not afford to send packages, his home station can help you out, but nothing means more than a slice of home when a soldier is away.

I did not get the "I care" packages... All I got was "I need, I need, I need," from my spouse, even when I had to be medivaced to Germany.. Anyway...

We are already under a lots of stress and we too have some fear in our hearts about being deployed.

You let "Amy" know that if she wants to keep her man... "Patience is a Virtue".... Let him know you care while he is gone and give him time when he returns home.

Once we return back to the good ole USA, we have to fit back in... I know it sounds strange but believe me it's not.... I cried because I went past my street for the third time in a row... "New Construction"... So our minds are looking for familiarity....

Hope it all works out......
"Rourke"

Hello,

I really feel for Amy. My brother was deployed to Afghanastan and his girlfriend was concerned about their relationship and what she should do. They had been together for 10 months and he is 35 and she, 30.

She ended up moving in with him to see if it would even work out 3 months before his deployment. (That may have been a mistake). It seemed to be fine, but when he left I asked him if she was getting a ring? He said no. His track record with women is bad in my opinion, I don't even bother to learn their names most of the time because he has picked poorly and I know they won't last long.

We all loved this girl and thought she was the one. He is the type of guy that is friends with all his ex's which I guess is a good thing. Anyway, he left for 6 weeks, was home for Thanksgiving then off to Afghanistan. He broke up with her in January. I was blown away! His excuse was that he didn't miss her so it must not be meant to be.

I think with his military job he has conditioned himself to feel little emotion and put up a wall. I have no idea if she said the wrong things or pushed or what, but he is sticking to his story. He got home a month ago and saw her twice in the first 4 days. It is of course just as friends and I think she needs to play hard to get and blow him off. He let her get away and he's never going to figure it out.

For Amy, since you and he are not in your 20's, he's been around the block and he is probably not wanting to rush into anything now at all. He is pre-occupied and what they go through just preparing to leave is intense. Just be positive for him and see how it goes after he's gone. You should know him well enough to sense a blow off after he's been gone a while. If he wants you he will let you know; if he doesn't, he will turn you loose. I know my BF would want me to wait for him but we are in an exclusive committed relationship and we now live together.

Don't whine or pressure him for anything. Believe me, they share stories and I'm sure he's heard an earful from his buddies and others about the drama. Don't be that person and he will respect you immensely.

Hang in there!

"Jenny"

Comments are welcome!

He's Being Deployed To Iraq - Should She Find Out Where Things Stand Before He Leaves?

Here is an email I received and shared with in my email column AND the many emails I received from people in the military in response.

Today I received an email that is sure to touch your heart:

"Mimi:

"First of all, I want you to know that I look forward to your emails every day. They are so helpful!!!

"I know you are bombarded with emails every day asking for your advice. I am in a sticky situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He has been in training for the last six weeks out of state before leaving for a year to Iraq after Thanksgiving. He will be home for four days during Thanksgiving.

"At the beginning of our relationship we would briefly talk about marriage (I am 39 and he is 45), but that has not really been mentioned for a while and has not been mentioned at all before he left.

"I love this man with all my heart and I want to wait for him; however, I need a reason to wait and that is knowing that we still have a future together as soon as he is done with his tour. I do not want to spend the next year waiting around for someone who may or may not want to be with me.

"When he is home for his four-day leave, I really, really want to have 'the talk' with him. So, what do I do? Wait around, move on and send him a Dear John letter if he does not talk about our future (I honestly think he feels I am happy with just being a girlfriend) or tell him how I feel. I am so confused and could really use your guidance.
"Thank you for your time.

"Sincerely, Amy (not her real name)"

Dear Amy,

I am glad you wrote. So you've been together 18 months, and I'm guessing that and he are exclusive since he is your boyfriend. I'm sure he's a wonderful man (I have immense admiration for men in the military - not to mention the fact that they are very handsome!) and you love him with all your heart. Right now he must in a high emotional state with all that is going on, and very busy. He probably has a lot on his mind. I hope you are spending Thanksgiving with him.

You have a great opportunity here and I think you should not bring up the future and see if he brings it up. Spend this time being caring and helpful and positive but *without giving too much* and without getting emotional, except at your actual goodbye moment (but still hold it together through the tears).

I think you should show serenity and confidence. That will make him more aware of your end of the situation, which he probably already is anyway.

If he asks you to "wait for him," then tell him you want to talk about it. Then let him do the talking to find out what he means. If he doesn't propose to you or give you more than what you now have in terms of a future, then be honest. Briefly tell him that you're in love with him, and that you're there for him, but that in the long run, you need to be with someone who is in love with you just as much. And leave it at that. Let him figure it out. Make no promises.

Of course he may surprise you before he leaves, but assuming that he doesn't, here's what I suggest:

You're already in love with him, so that isn't going to change any time soon. However, you have to think of your own social and romantic needs since you are not engaged to him and he's not present. I think you should spend the time while he is away doing things with friends, old and new, men and women. These will not be dates.

If you find yourself mutually attracted to someone, then spend more time with him, in a casual way, and see where it goes. You are not engaged. [If this becomes more, then you can let your boyfriend know if you are dating people.] -- THIS ADVICE I AM NOW CHANGING BASED ON HEARING FROM PEOPLE IN THE MILITARY. DO NOT CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS WITH A MAN WHO IS STATIONED AWAY FROM HOME.

Most of all, don't worry about this too much. Your guy is perfectly capable of going after you, so let go and let things take their course. Don't try too hard in any way. This might be a key to why he has backed off from you somewhat already (from mentioning marriage the way he did in the beginning).

My guess is that you might end up with this man. While he is gone, he may realize how much he wants to be with you even more. Have confidence in the fact that he doesn't want to lose you. Now is the time to feel your strength there.

Keep us posted!!

Getting a commitment is an art these days. The less you want it, the easier it is.

My program "Hard To Get" discusses the Reverse Ultimatum - find out what it is and how to pull it off - in getting a man to commit. Check it out!

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Hard to Get - Your Personal Guidebook on
How to Play the Game of Love!"

---

During the day I received some wonderful emails that I shared today in my column:

Dear Mimi,

As a "seasoned" female Army Soldier of over 20 years, this girlfriend of this Soldier needs to understand something.... right now it's NOT about HER or THEM, it's about HIM going to war and it's about HIM returning home alive and with all his body parts!

If this girlfriend loves this Soldier, she needs to be patient right now and put her needs on hold. She needs to help him through his deployment by writing him often, sending him "I care" packages, remaining faithful in his absence and actually being there for him when he returns home. A deployment of any kind (especially to a war zone) is what makes or breaks a relationship in the military.

This girlfriend needs to ask herself another question... If this Soldier were to ask her to marry him before he deploys, or better yet, if they were to actually get married before he deployed and he were to return from the war missing an arm, a leg (or maybe both), or if he were to return with half of his skull or face missing, is she willing to and going to remain his devoted wife?

War is reality, as are the repercussions of war. This girlfriend needs understand what reality is all about!

-- "Jessica"

More correspondence with Jessica below. I guarantee you will find it very thought-provoking.

---

One thing everyone in the military who wrote me agrees on is this:

Don't bring up the "Serious Talk" about where things stand this week - and whatever you do, do not break up with him while he is overseas. More on why - keep reading. Here is the next email:

Mimi,

Normally, I read these wonderful messages and take the advice to use in my relationship, but this post I felt I should respond to. I am a female in my 40's who deployed to Kuwait. I can give a little insight into the plight of an Iraqi-bound GI.

He will be depending on letters and packages from this woman and will fall more in love with her through the courting of the letters. I saw it many times with the GI's that I was deployed with. They all ended up going home and getting married to the lady who was writing to them. I definitely agree that she should not bring the subject up over Thanksgiving because many times the GI's are advised to not get involved before they deploy to limit family distress while being at war. They are guarded and will not commit because they fear they will leave someone hanging.

Presently, my own son is in this situation with a girl who wants to be married to him and he deploys in March. She too has the same question. I have talked to my son and he wants to release her until he gets back to enable her to make a good choice and not feel like he is holding her down while he is gone 13 months. He fears she will cheat and it will hurt him worse.

I commend him for thinking of her, but also advised him that when women are in love they are willing to wait and he could just give her a promise ring, promising to come back to her in the future. It still is her choice to wait or go.

Ultimately, Dear John letters do nothing but destroy morale of not only the man who gets one, but the comrades that deal with the heartbreak of their fellow soldier. This is the last thing the troops need in the face of danger!

"Bonnie"

---

The advice is unanimous (which rarely happens!) -

Amy should not worry about the future with her boyfriend now. If she really is in love with him and wants to spend her life with him, she should be his emotional support when he is away for a year.

Wow, Mimi, I just read the story of "Amy" and I can feel for her. We have just about the same kind of story except my Army SGT married me back in September on my birthday before he deployed to Iraq for a year. He has had his four-day leave and now he is in Iraq by way of Ft. Hood, Texas.

By the way, he had just left Ft. Hood that Tuesday the week of the shootings there for his four-day leave. I do hope her situation ends as well as mine has, I love my new husband very much. I wish her well.

"Mary"

---

All of the US soldiers here and abroad have my utmost respect. One of my daughters is considering being in the military too. She and I visited a military base briefly a couple of months ago. She didn't say much when we were walking around (naturally I found the Starbucks) but after we left, she said she wants to be part of the military and is getting more and more interested in this.

MORE EMAILS FROM READERS:

The Dangers of Ending a Relationship With a Man Who Is Deployed

Jessica wrote back to me with much more thought-provoking information:

Hi Mimi,

I am a new fan of yours and because of you I enjoy my morning coffee even more now:)! Thank you for taking the time to reply to my mail. I hope I gave you some things to think about.

There is all kinds of information online about “dealing with deployment” and how deployment can affect a relationship. There is help out there for girlfriends and wives, and you are in the position to point “Amy” in the right direction.

Amy is in for a very, very long year (perhaps longer). This Soldier isn’t talking about marriage anymore because he does not know if he will live or be whole enough to see the day; it has NOTHING to do with Amy.

This Soldier needs to go to war with his head on straight, focused on doing his mission successfully and returning home as well as can be expected. He does not need Amy giving him any ultimatums; he does not need to have his heart broken before his deployment, he does not need his heart broken while he is in the war zone, and it would be nice to think that when he returns he will not have his heart broken at that time. Death comes with war. Sadly too, death also comes after war – suicide, some as a result of selfish women. I am a criminal investigator; I see it and I read the notes, so I know.

Mimi, set Amy straight and point her in the right direction. I don’t know how really strong this relationship is, but Amy needs to understand this Soldier’s life may very well depend on her.

Again, thank you for your time and writing me.

-- "Jessica"

Another reader adds this thought-provoking email:

Mimi:

This email could not have come at a better time. My boyfriend of 18 months is getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan at the end of January, his 4th to date and 1st to Afghanistan. I'm in the exact same situation and it was good to read your advice.

I would like to offer one caution about 'Dear John' letters though - during my boyfriend's previous deployment he had a girl back home here that he had been dating for 3+ years who sent him a 'Dear John' letter the week after Valentine's Day. It absolutely crushed him and he had to go to his commander (he's an officer himself) and ask to be taken off duty for a few days because his head wasn't in the game and he was afraid he would get one of his guys or himself killed. His commander totally understood and sent him to Qatar for 4 days just to get away and clear his head.

He still hurts from what happened to him and I believe he is using this upcoming deployment to see if we will make it through. I also believe that soldiers disengage a bit as they prepare to deploy so that it won't hurt quite as much to be away for 12-14 months. He has told me on numerous occasions that it's more difficult for those who stay home than it is for those who deploy. I'm not so sure I believe that, but it does give some insight into how he's thinking.

I'm terrified, but oh so proud of him. I am just working on making these last two and a half months as stress-free and fun as possible (easier said than done!).

Thanks again for your advice.
"Jenny"

Deployment Will Make or Break the Relationship

Here is a wonderful and inspiring email from a military wife:

Mimi,

I have never felt the need to respond to an ezine before but I felt a need to respond to this edition and to talk to "Amy."

I have been married for 17 years to my soldier and he has been deployed from our family for a year at a time three times now. I bring that up to show only that I am talking from YEARS of experience.

First of all, I agree that Amy should not have this talk during his short time home before he deploys. I know she can feel a need to address this before he leaves - but the truth is - there will be ample time to address it soon.

There will be a short time of communication blackout right after he leaves while they are in transition but soon the communication will pick up again as he is settled into his new reality. They will be able to connect and talk quite regularly once that happens. That may be every day or it may be a few times a week but there will be time for Amy and her soldier to connect and figure all this out.

The separation and his intense reality will bring these discussions about naturally. He may be surprised to see how much of his rock Amy becomes during this time. He may realize that he can't live without her. He may become hyperaware of the fact that Amy is able to date other men and there is nothing he can do to prevent that and realize how much he doesn't want to lose her.

There is no need to "fish or cut bait" now. In fact, it is an unnatural time to do so. The natural need to talk about these things and to really explore the depth of their relationship will happen naturally just as a result of the deployment.

Deployment is stressful on couples. It makes or break you. My husband and I are SO much closer as a result of his deployments. He has gained new respect for me. He has fallen in love with me all over again. We have realized how much we do love each other and depend on each other. This doesn't happen to everyone - we have seen some relationships shatter against the harsh rock that a deployment is. But for most of our friends, the deployment has forced them to focus on their relationship and to really grow closer.

I would tell Amy to relax and just be here now. Be with her soldier while she can be and to just let the moments happen. Give the deployment the time to highlight the strengths or weaknesses of their relationship.

"Melissa"

I corresponded with Jessica again who echoed the "make or break" thoughts. I'd requested some online resources for women in this situation.

Good Morning Mimi,

Perhaps Amy is very caring and willing to wait, but is she strong enough to be the girlfriend and/or wife of a Military Man?

This deployment will make or break their relationship and the "making" of it depends on Amy.

So far I’ve found that the best support and information resource for military spouses and significant others of all branches around the world is:

http://www.militarysos.com/

I’m glad I could help. I hope I gave you, Amy and your other readers some things to think about. I hope Amy follows up with you in a year or so and has nothing but good news to report.

Keep up the great work, I love our coffee time together!

"Jessica"

Thanks so much to everyone who has written in on this topic. Feel free to comment; comments are monitored and will be checked frequently during the next day so they can be added.

I'm Ready for Christmas: Celtic Woman's "Ding Dong Merrily On High"

Turn Your Speakers ALL the WAY UP and Make Sure You Hear the Whole Song. I have it on my iTunes. LOVE IT.

Sophia

My daughter has had a friend named Sophia since the 5th grade. They were cheerleaders together in 7th and 8th, and this year they are seniors. They met in a parochial school, and now they each go to different high schools. Sophia is very creative and has always had a very unique and unmistakable style; she's about 4'10", long big dark curls, and might wear something like colorful sneakers; torn, faded jeans; t-shirt, long string of big pearls, bracelets, big glasses, and a big smile. She drives a bright yellow bug.

Tonight as we usually do we went to one of her school plays. She's been in each production since Freshman year. It was a good play. Sophia is the kind of friend who becomes part of the family. That's because she shows so much love and appreciation to the adults in her life, from her own parents and family, to me and I'm sure to many others. Once she even texted me "I'm thankful for you" on Thanksgiving. She went to NYC with my daughter and me 2 years ago and we're planning a Spring Break trip with her again. She's the easiest and most appreciative teen (aside from my own!) that I could imagine having along with us. I've been so blessed that my daughter has always chosen her friends incredibly well!

My (oldest) daughter is not the big play fanatic that I am (from age 13 I was combing through all those big red yearly theatre books in the library and memorizing cast names of plays I'd never seen) but because of me she has seen a LOT of plays and has come to really enjoy them. And we like supporting Sophia in her many play appearances because we know how much she puts her heart into the theater program and have always hoped she'll continue with her talents in some way (which she plans to do).

What strikes me about Sophia and makes it easy to "embrace her" as a family member is that she really "gives back" in interest and affection and is completely sincere about it. It really makes a difference. She's devoted to her parents also - she's spent almost every evening at the furniture store they've owned for years, helping out, and now she's planning to go to college in Houston so she can continue to be there for them. And this is the same girl who lives for Warped Tour and knows a lot of bands like the back of her hand to the point of knowing them personally. She has her own unique opinions and anyone would think of her as a free spirit - which she is.

That's Sophia, whose roots are Ecuadorian, whose heart is huge, and who is always welcome in our house - such a comfortable and kind young girl to have around.

"Tied To A Chair" Film World Premiere - A Gift For You - Details Here

Actress Bonnie Loren is the star of a new comedy titled "Tied To A Chair" that is premieres next week! Since she is a reader of my email column, she is graciously offering my readers FREE tickets to the World Premiere of her new film!

"Tied To A Chair" - which also stars Mario Van Peebles - has its World Premiere next week! If you're anywhere in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania - you're not far from the location of the premiere. (Location information below.)

Actress Bonnie Loren and the makers of "Tied To A Chair" are personally inviting all women who are reading this to the World Premiere on Monday evening, October 5th, 2009, at 7:30 - absolutely FREE as their gift to you.

After the show, there will be a Question and Answer session with the Director and one of the stars of the film - and much celebration and fun.

Also, if you can't make that evening's showing, you can still see this film's World Premiere FREE if you go to another showing during Premiere Week with a paying guest. ALL who come to the showing from over a hundred miles also receive a free drink as well (traveling makes you thirsty, we know!).





LOCATION and DIRECTIONS

"Tied To A Chair" is part of Process Independent: A Festival Of Films And Theatres. It will be presented at The Washington Theater, a built-in-1927 movie theater in Washington, New Jersey.

The Washington Theatre - 165 E Washington Ave. - Washington, NJ 07882 - (212) 594 - 8800 for details.

AWARDS

This film has already won an award at the Tamworth "Heart of England" Film Festival.

Bonnie Loren said, "Your readers can see the exciting event in the Heart of England where we won Best in Festival. (The Max Chaoul gown alone is worth the trip!)"

Beyonce's Defining Moment

Memories were made at the September 2009 MTV Video Music Awards when Kanye West stole the stage from Taylor Swift as she began to give her acceptance speech. But the most lasting image of all will be the moment that will define Beyonce Knowles for years to come.

As the sudden interruption began, cameras caught the faces of many in the audience, especially Beyonce, who was visibly stunned by the hoopla. At that point, no one yet knew if this was all some kind of planned surprise for the audience.

When it became clear that Taylor's well deserved moment on stage had been hijacked, Beyonce, at her own urging, quickly saved the day for both the show and for Taylor. Beyonce brought a decency, graciousness and generosity to the pop music scene that is not seen often enough.

Standing aside protectively, Beyonce made sure that Taylor got to make her acceptance speech, which was the best possible way to salvage the situation and show support from one musical artist to another. Although Beyonce gave up her own speech time, Beyonce is a star of such heights that she needs no platform on one MTV awards show - she's already a legend, though she's still only 28.

Beyonce was in an awkward position since Kanye's outburst was his way of lauding Beyonce's music video. Beyonce managed to come to Taylor's aid without disparaging Kanye in the process. Beyonce's concern for all and good manners speak volumes and set an example of character in a tough situation when there's no script or guideline to tell a person what to do - and millions are watching.

When Beyonce was only 5, she was my piano student for a year here in Houston. (Yes, I tell people that every chance I get!) She attended a Catholic school with a Montessori program at the time. She was a quiet, smart, totally adorable little girl - with her striking, long, blondish curls and angelic face. As you can imagine, she quickly picked up on everything I showed her on the piano. Her father, Mathew Knowles, who became her brilliant manager, was the one who picked her up from her lessons.

I've never seen a photo that shows exactly how adorable Beyonce was in her school uniform in her Kindergarten year, and have always wished I had taken one. I enjoyed teaching her very much, mostly because of the quiet and careful way the tiny five-year-old quickly learned everything, and how particularly precious she was. She was already someone striking and memorable even at five years old. Of course I had no idea that I was sitting on the piano bench next to someone who would become one of the most famous music stars of all time.

Since I remember her naturally shy demeanor, I know how true it is when Beyonce is described as having a no-holds-barred personality on stage, but off-stage being notably demure and reserved - something that is true of many performers. Beyonce has a natural graciousness that greatly enhances her enormous talent and has made it possible for her to become an unofficial ambassador of what's great about the USA.

For me, the greatest proof of Beyonce's enormous musical talent is when she performed the National Anthem here in Houston at the 2006 Super Bowl. Here it is:

My Cousin Patti

A missed opportunity of friendship - that's the truth about losing my cousin. I truly wish I had not let work get in the way of visiting my cousin, who lived a few hundred miles away, but not far. She and I both have no sisters and would have been like sisters to each other. We had a lot of mutual affection. And I will always love her for coming to my brother's funeral. Patti was the kind of person you want to have margaritas with and laugh and gossip and gasp and smile nonstop. I've had so much on my plate in recent years and have been out of touch with many wonderful people. Now Patti is with her mom whom she lost when she was only 25. I love you, Patti, and miss you, and you were unfailingly warm toward me, every single time I ever had any contact with you, and that says a LOT.

It was in Patti's single-girl apartment that I got kissed for the first time. I used to wonder what made kissing so special. I was 16 and had never been kissed except once at age 10 playing spin the bottle - and yeah, that was pretty great too actually, I think that boy and I were both surprised. But at 16, I was visiting Patti and her friends in her apartment; she'd just lost her mom; she was engaged to be married... in spite of the sadness, her friends' presence made for a party atmosphere, something Patti inspired with her personality.

Some 30-year-old guy was talking to me for quite a while. I went into the kitchen to get a Coke or something... next thing I knew he was there and was kissing me. Of course it was the last thing I expected to happen. "I had no idea" until that moment how amazing kissing was. He mentioned something about us seeing each other, he didn't push that idea; I lived in another state, and I was 16. But that was MEMORABLE. Of course like most 16-year-olds, I told NO ONE. (See the P.S.)

Years later I told Patti about that kiss. I'd heard that he had a barefoot wedding in a Dallas mall some time later...

Patti was a totally devoted mother to her one child. She radiated enthusiasm. For anyone reading this, if there is someone in your life you have not visited for whatever reason (I have lots of reasons myself!) please stop and think. You never know when your chance to see them will suddenly be gone.

P.S. Thirty-year-old guys have no business kissing 16-year-olds; I knew that much even then. Good grief. It's a shame that teenage girls can hardly get through their teen years without being hit upon or much worse - by adult men. Parent presence and supervision is an absolute must - and staying in touch with the friends and boyfriends - plus knowing WHO they even are...!

Metro-Sexual? Try Metro-Ineffectual!

I've heard a lot lately about how MEN JUST DON'T WANT TO DATE!

I call them Metro-Ineffectuals. And I would like to hear more about them from you. As one woman shared with me on Twitter, these men "don't want to know you during the week" and on the weekend, well, you could say that at 10:30 pm they get this wild thought that you would just love to join them at their place, or yours,

Can you say LOL, somebody!!!

Honestly, these Metro-Ineffectuals are all over the place, they are the men who tell you they don't want to chase you.

You MUST hold your ground with these guys - they ARE men after all, I THINK anyway, so there IS a hunter gatherer in that head and heart of theirs, yes, there is.

These guys try to CONVINCE you that they will NOT chase you - honey, please do not fall for that.

Smile sweetly. Flirt. Next! They'll come around. I promise. And with a lot more respect for you when you don't let them call the shots (in your oh-so-charming way).

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Secrets of Flirting With Men"

Part 2: Keep Your Flirt On: How To Flirt With Men

Flirting and Risking Your Heart

When you flirt with someone, you are putting yourself and your ego on the line! It certainly involves some risk. What does "risk" mean? Risk means that things might or might not go the way you want!

However, it is more than possible to flirt without putting your ego on the line.

Let's face it, the last thing any of us wants is for a man to flatten our ego with a cold, disinterested stare.

Don't worry, flirting does not mean that you go up to a stranger, sit in his lap, throw your arms around his neck and say, "Wow, you're hot, where do I get in line for some of YOUR attention?"

It is possible to arrange situations much more subtly than that. In fact, you can be such a stealth flirt that no one will ever see it coming until you've already engaged them in an innocent conversation.

First, are you relaxed? I mean really. When was the last time you took some slow, deep breaths?

Worried women do not flirt well.

But let's face it - we live in a tense age. And this isn't always bad when it comes to love. Slightly neurotic women have been known to rock men's worlds to the core. So if you're a little bit stressed out, just be so in a charming way. It can be done!

Flirting is about charm, about allure, and about making an intense connection with the person you want. Flirting can catch us off-guard - it often starts when we least expect it.

That's one thing which makes it such incredible fun.

Flirting can take you from NICE to CHARMING. A true flirt uses almost every encounter with a man to make him feel more like a man - making him feel charmed and wanted and special.

Men love it when a woman cares enough to flirt with them. Flirting sends a man the kind of message that is vital to his sense of masculinity and his self-esteem. There are a lot of people out there who are simply starved for this kind of attention.

Why not flirt a little more today than you did yesterday?

Start with a warm smile for everyone. That's the first step in practicing flirting. And smiling is not against the law, the last time I checked.

But what if you don't habitually flash everyone a big smile as you go about your day? In that case, don't make sudden radical changes in your behavior. That can cause your associates and co-workers to wonder what's up with you, and can cause your children to say things such as, "That was random, Mom..."

The best way to incorporate a new behavior in your life is in small doses. Otherwise, you may abandon a good effort prematurely. Stay with it. Just flirt a LITTLE more today - than you did yesterday - starting with smiling MORE. At everyone.

If you're married, small changes are a great way to start being more flirtatious with your husband. Start with a longer kiss hello or goodbye. Start showing more happiness with the world and with him. Little changes go a long way.

Flirting says, "I find you attractive - I notice that you are a man – and I am a woman!"

It's a message that will never, ever go out of style.

Have a great day - and remember to keep your flirt on!

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Secrets of Flirting With Men"
www.secrets-of-flirting.com

Part 1: Keep Your Flirt On - How To Flirt With Men

It is my firm belief that any woman can flirt; in fact, most of us have an innate sense of how to flirt, even the shyest among us!

"Don't try to deny it!"

(You just heard a good flirting remark right there. Using that phrase will instantly spark a flirtatious atmosphere.)

Some women are already very good flirts and are seeking to improve their skills. Others are very shy and find it difficult to flirt. Still others may or may not be in the market to flirt right now, but they know this important truth - "use it or lose it" when it comes to getting your flirt on.

Flirting is something the best wives do with their husbands; the most sensuous women do with their boyfriends or would-be boyfriends. Flirting infuses every relationship with fun and affection.

Almost every relationship between a man and woman can be enhanced with some form of innocent - or not so innocent - flirting.

Flirting can happen in three ways - when you initiate the flirting; when someone else initiates the flirting with you; or those happy occasions when the flirting 'spontaneously combusts' and you both start flirting at the same time! As long as both are willing participants, it's absolute magic.

The enormous impact of flirting is generally unrecognized - it is considered to be an amusing pastime which can lead to some very pleasant feelings, and which can spark relationships. All that is true, but flirting is FAR more than that!

For example - how do you think you got into this world in the first place? There is a strong possibility that flirting was involved.

I rest my case: flirting is massively important. Flirting changes lives and the course of history.

Flirting often starts at a tender age - usually in elementary school. If you think back to your school days, you're sure to remember a case of flirting - and it probably included a lot of blushing, too.

You can read about my first blush with flirting at Secrets of Flirting, but here is a little more of the back story. I was on the receiving end of flirting for what may have been the first time. I was in a piano class at SMU for promising nerdy little musicians (that was me) and so was this guy named Joe. For several years, about 7 of us took a group and private class each week. This event happened when we were in the 6th grade, I think.

I felt so unappealing that year because my mom once again urged me to get a short haircut and I came out looking exactly like Buster Brown. So this classmate Joe started calling me "Buster" all the time! Even after my hair grew out (that was absolutely the last time in my life I ever had my hair short), Joe still called me "Buster." It vexed me, but like most 11-year-olds, I did not know that this kind of teasing was a sign of affection! So actually, when he said to me, "You're blushing," what he actually said was, "You're blushing, Buster." And the way he said this was truly sexy and devastating, even if he was 11 years old!

It took a while for the whole thing to sink in my brain that he liked me. I didn't know what to do, and was mortified about the red face, so that was the end of that conversation! LOL.

You can read about my little "moment of truth" with Joe on Secrets of Flirting!

The fact is that we all have an innate flirt. You can bring out that flirt gently - I know some women are afraid of their inner flirt! They do worry that once unleashed, they might change forever.

It's not that drastic - you are in control. Flirting is kind. Flirting is considerate. Flirting is paying attention. Flirting is making the other person feel special - sincerely.

Have a great day - and remember to keep your flirt on!

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Secrets of Flirting With Men"
http://www.secrets-of-flirting.com

To Twit or Not to Twit - A vowel nightmare

Oh my gosh, I started twittering after all. It's hard not to these days. One big surprise - I have received so many warm notes from people!!

I just wonder how I will be able to keep up with it though... that is going to be tough. I have not told people that I'm on Twitter yet - waiting until I can set a day aside. I don't see how it will be possible to write hundreds of little notes to people daily... I can Twit, I mean Tweet, but personal notes, that will be challenging... but maybe fun also.

I think it's a bit more fun than Facebook and less intrusive and sneaky... I don't think Twitter hijacks people's address books... THANK YOU.

People who yak for a living just have to get on Twitter, to see if they can write in brief. I said brief, not briefs.

Twitter is like one ongoing Haiku to see if you can get your yaks into 140 characters...

A Prayer for Owen Meany - by John Irving

My daughter asked me to read this book several months ago, and I began it but let other things get in the way of finishing it. She urged me many times to read it. She studied the book during this past year, her junior year at a Catholic high school. She has asked me many times if I had started reading the book again.

This week I did read the book; I started the book again and just now finished the last page within the past hour. Holly and I went out to lunch today and talked a LOT about the book - then I was on page 485. There was a lot she couldn't tell me. There were some things I suspected also. I was wondering how so much could get wrapped up in only another 100 or so pages. I was worried that I would not be moved by the ending since so much was all about the ending. With as much as I did discern from the hints given by the book, I was glad that I did not foresee the most affecting aspect of the book's end. It's the kind of thing that you just don't want to talk about. In fact, I felt like I could not talk to ANYONE for several hours during and after reading the end of this book.

That's just an example of how much the book does affect one. It's been so long since I have read any fiction and this book will certainly change that. The nature of what I do for a living is so different from a book like this that it's a welcome and refreshing and inspiring and comforting thing to spend time with these characters and this story.

I don't know if this is just my own projection, but after reading the book and the blurbs on the back from various newspapers describing the book, these descriptions did not match my experience of the book. It was a profoundly sad, lonely, painful, and tragic story from start to finish - for almost every character in the book.

I remember when I was very active in my first church, we all thought that no one else could understand faith or religion if they were not the exact same kind of believers that we were. I struggled with that back and forth and still do to this day but in a different way. To this day, regardless of where I stand on the religious pendulum of my inner world, I still feel surprised when I read a writer who is as familiar with scripture as we were with the same reverence and understanding and even belief yet without having to divorce himself from dismissing other people as not being true believers because of some doctrinal disagreement (doctrine extending to where one stands regarding homosexuality included).

Holly and I both feel like our little dog Oliver reminds us of Owen Meany because he is small, misshapen, afflicted in his own way with fatal flaws, and very funny and loving to his family and friends. If he could talk, his voice would be like Owen's. So to us, he is now Oliver Owen Meany, to which he would probably say, "I'M NOT A MEANY; DON'T CALL ME A MEANY."

One of my favorite expressions from this book is when Owen tells John that the book he read which covers the history of their town is FULL OF WHEELWRIGHTS. But one of the saddest parts of the book, to me, is that John Wheelwright ends up as the lone surviving Wheelwright, with only his stepfather as his occasional friend to visit twice a year, no other friends, no family, and his lifelong BEST friend a constant memory.

Now what I want to do is read what OTHERS (who know what they're talking about) have written about A Prayer for Owen Meany.

Next Time, I'm Driving

I thought about this before, during, and after the trip - even though I had to visit more than one state and go well over 500 miles, it would save time - AND a LOT of trouble - to just drive.

A flight means you leave for the airport about 2 hours and 15 minutes before the flight.

- Allow at least 45 minutes to make sure you get to the airport and park and get in the terminal.

- Then you have to be there before the plane departs - add up to 1 more hour to get through security and correct any last-minute problems.

- Then there's the flight - that was about 1 hour and 45 minutes.

- Then there's getting off the plane, getting a cab, getting to the hotel - that's another hour.

That all adds up to 5 hours but doesn't count another hour getting a car rental the next day. That ended up taking well over 1 hour...

Add one more hour or so, and I could have driven there - and avoided:

* Last-minute refusal to rent me a car - and subsequent efforts on my part to GET the car rented. I succeeded but it was not fun.

* Being stopped at airport security 2 times within 20 minutes at the same airport. First, I went back and checked my bag. Then on my 2nd time through, I was told to step aside to get patted down. I wanted to just leave but I was told that I couldn't leave. Then my wish to not be patted down in public was met with the implication that this could bring more problems upon myself for a lack of cooperation. So by that time, since they'd already rifled through my bag, and made me stand 2 times in some tube in an already awkward-at-best manner - I said "just go ahead and pat me down here."

This all happened on my way back, wearing the same thing, with no changes in what I presented at the departing airport, and with LESS in my bag than I'd left with.

I really dislike what happens these days at airport security because it touches a nerve of mine that definitely is a challenging one for me. I won't mention that here. Others probably share the feeling though!

Everything changes into a gestapo mentality. They even patted down my preteen daughter one time. I've found that the smaller the city, the more likely you are to run into overzealous airport security personnel.

This time I was originally driving - but was not able to get that alignment done before the trip; and had lots of work left to do - so I decided to fly. BEEEEEP. Wrong decision.

So next time - I'm driving!

If I have to fly again, I will NOT wear a bra in case THAT'S what brought on my woes. I won't bring anything that I value in terms of flash drives or anything else.

My experience was fairly run-of-the-mill even if it rubbed me the wrong way - but look at what happened to this MIT student:

Boston Airport LED Sweatshirt Scare - Interview with Star Simpson

FDA is Dissing Zicam - What???

You've got to be kidding me. The FDA says that Zicam can cause someone to lose their sense of smell.

They finally find a cure for the common cold - Zicam, which works like gangbusters - and now someone wants to shut it down. I sense a conspiracy. (ha) Zicam must be making a dent in doctor visits...

You SHOULD get Zicam; the best kind is the one that you use the Q-tip type applicator for... it has not hurt my sense of smell; I love the smell of perfume, roses, coffee, and not in that order, and my sense of smell is working fine!

Zicam rocks. It gets rid of your cold symptoms within one day. When you have a cold, it's not fun.

The FDA should spend their time on getting rid of the high sugar and starch content in fast food and outlaw drive-thru windows if they want to impact public health in a way that will really count!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled program...

John McClamrock's Story by Skip Hollandsworth - a Must-Read True Story

Today I read this story in Texas Monthly: (It is a MUST READ.)

This is what true devotion is all about. This family's love was so strong that such devotion was unquestioned and such effort was not about duty, but only about the overpowering love of a parent for her stricken son, and about two sons' love for their mother and for each other. But it's really even more than that when you read this story. You'll feel so much for everyone in this family who lived through this challenge that few people ever have to face.

Still Life

"Thirty-five years ago Dallas—and the country—was gripped by the tragic story of John McClamrock, a high school football player paralyzed during a violent tackle. But after the newspapers moved on, another story was quietly unfolding, one of courage, perseverance, and a mother’s fierce love."

by Skip Hollandsworth

Click Here to go to Texas Monthly online to read this story.

Here is a 7-minute video by the story's author, Skip Hollandsworth, but it's better seen after reading the story. (Update: I can't locate this video now.)

Here is a longer video by Skip Hollandsworth, on YouTube, about this story.

Tyler Frost Made a Choice

Last time I posted about the situation with Tyler Frost and his school, Heritage Christian School. Tyler was told that if he attended a prom (with his girlfriend who attends a different school), he would not have the right to graduate with his senior class, and he'd even be suspended.

As Tyler says, http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/12/earlyshow/main5008061.shtml this situation provided him with one of his first serious choices as a young adult. He weighed the situation and made a choice.

No choice he could have made would be good on all counts. He's been punished by his school for attending a prom and thereby breaking their rule against dancing. His high school experience at Heritage will be forever saddened, I think.

On the other hand, if he had done the opposite, he would not have been following his heart. He would have been abiding by rules that he didn't truly agree with. He would have diminished a very special night by telling his girlfriend that he wasn't going to be with her at her prom - all because of this contract he signed that he would not dance or listen to rock music.

Faced with that choice, he feels he made the right one, and I agree. I think he should be proud of himself for facing this matter and the media attention with a lot of dignity.

I do understand the views of the school. But punishment in my opinion - is very harsh in this case. And I'm angry at the school for their actions. If they think that this will make Tyler look back at their decision and feel good about it, they're very wrong.

To be treated like a pariah for doing something that is a part of high school culture is beyond extreme.

They believe that to attend a prom and dance and see "low-cut dresses" (as the principal said) will be a bad thing for Tyler as a young Christian man.

But as other commenters on the internet have said, Christ was known for going out among all the people. He was criticized for spending time with "sinners." And He also said "Let your light shine; don't hide it under a bushel."

Tyler still holds to his views but this experience may very well take a huge toll on his faith somewhere down the road. I know this because something like this happened to me when I was close to Tyler's age. To be punished or shunned for being human is just not okay. It's far worse when one is punished or shunned by a religious group that one is a member of!

I think the people over at Heritage Christian School should take this opportunity to rethink their rules instead of punishing a young man who seems to be quite exemplary. I'm sure if they try, and if they really care, they can find a way to deal with this situation without taking so much away from Tyler. A lot of damage is already done. I hope they do not make it worse, as they're planning to do.

As a parent, there are many times I cringe to see what children see and hear and read these days. I realize that the only way for me to totally shield a child from everything I wouldn't want them to see or read would be to live out in a rural area and homeschool and have no media in my life. And I know that some people actually do that.

But first of all this is not realistic or even possible in most cases. And it's not what life should be about either. We shouldn't have to shun or fear or avoid the situations of life. We are here to embrace them.

I could have spent life praying about the afterlife as I know some actually do. But I love life and want to live it here, now. And I also love media and music and theater and many things which also contain things I don't like or want to hear. I tried living shutting them all out and avoiding most of it - and it did not make me happy. I got tired of trying not to believe what I did believe. I got tired of being afraid of going to hell and having that be my primary reason for doing many of the things I did regarding faith. That doesn't leave me in the most comfortable place at times churchwise. I'm at a crossroads. But that is part of being human.

I still have faith but it has been a difficult road. And it started with an experience much like Tyler's - of taking a big hit in a faith community as a result of doing what I believed in. Heritage School - I hope you're listening. But chances are that a place like Heritage would not listen to my viewpoint because they would assume that I don't understand them or what is "scriptural." I understand only too well.

I think Tyler should have permission to be human. As a young man, he's a precious person who deserves love and support from his educators -NOT punishment. I also think that if Heritage Christian School is truly Christian, then they will act with humility and gentleness and consider the young life that they're dealing with and the long-term effects of their actions. What response will really make Tyler feel more love for God? Taking away his graduation, suspending him, and not allowing him to take his final exams on time is definitely NOT the answer.

Tyler Frost, I want you to go to that prom

http://www.foxtoledo.com/dpp/news/wupw_Footloose_Findlay_graduation_fight__05082009

Tyler Frost, I really want you to go to that prom. And I hope your principal soon realizes that when he signed off on your permission slip from the other school, he in effect gave you the permission to go.

AFTER signing the permission slip provided by the school holding the prom (Tyler's girlfriend's school), Tyler's principal went to the school board which stated that he will be suspended from school if he takes his girlfriend to her school's prom.

I saw this story on Yahoo, and then looked at the local story here at this next link. If you're interested, this is a good place to post a comment:

http://www.thecourier.com/Issues/2009/May/08/ar_news_050809_story3.asp?d=050809_story3,2009,May,08&c=n

As for the people at Tyler's Christian school, I wonder how this experience will affect Tyler's future decisions about faith and church? Instead of congratulating a fine student on hard work well done, they're ready to boot him and tarnish his entire high school experience and memories - just because he asked permission to take his girlfriend to her school's senior prom.

Good for Tyler's family, who is standing by their son. I'll be following this story.

My Great Aunt and The Influenza Pandemic of 1918

A few years ago, I was checking cnn.com several times a day from my computer; that was back around 2003, before I started writing my column and books. There was quite a bird flu concern at that time, and that's when news media started saying that we're overdue for another big worldwide pandemic. 

I'm the only person alive who ever thinks about my great aunt Pauline; that's because she died in 1919 at the age of 26. She was a casualty of the Spanish Flu. This flu was notorious for hitting the young and healthy ones; not the infirm, aged, or infants as one would expect. 

My grandmother told me about her sister a long, long time ago when I was growing up. Her sister Pauline was a beautiful, vivacious, and popular woman. She was a musician; she played the piano, as I did. Maybe that is why my grandmother thought of telling me about her.  

Nana told me that Pauline was so loved by everyone; so much fun, and so accomplished in the many womanly arts of the day. She could do beautiful handiwork. Nana gave me the only picture that exists of Pauline and I've always had it on my walls. 

Pauline was a special young woman. She got the Spanish flu (then there was no such thing as politically incorrect names of diseases) and in just a matter of days, she was gone. 

Pauline's mother's maiden name was Tanner. That's where my name Tanner comes from. Sarah Tanner had a dashing love story of her own with an elopement and a boat ride across some body of water.... I'd better call my cousin in Austin and get the rest of that story before it gets forgotten forever... 

Pauline had many suitors but had not yet chosen a life partner. She died before marrying or having children. Not to have married by the age of about 26 in those days was rare. She lived at home and had by all accounts a happy life. 

I wish my grandmother were still around to tell me more; and I'd write it all down. (I wish my grandmother were still around, period! I would love to spend time with her now that I could so much better appreciate it.) 

 Mary Pauline Pollock, now 90 years later, you are not forgotten as long as the cyberspace and my memory holds out... Thank you for the beautiful picture that has inspired me for many decades.

Tribute Reflects the Feelings of Millions of Fans

Video Source http://www.youtube.com/user/pipwe1
Thank you, Wendy, for creating this tribute.

Very unfortunate news reporting today

Irresponsible reporting has run rampant today.... media outlets printing "unconfirmed reports" over and over. If they're unconfirmed, then why print them??

Two links:
How The Media Is Covering The Natasha Richardson Breaking News

and this blogger expresses it so well:
http://vivirlatino.com/2009/03/17/natasha-richardson-gravely-injured-in-accident.php

Lovely Natasha is the epitome of charm, beauty, grace, and a wonderful and fulfilling life. Prayers for her and her family members.

Thank you, Tulsa, I love you

I will always love my hometown, birthplace, TULSA OKLAHOMA...

I love Tulsa. My Texan parents lived here twice during job changes, so my brother and I were both born in Tulsa. But maybe Oklahoma is in my blood anyway since one of my great grandparents was Cherokee.

I certainly didn't want to move away from Tulsa to that dismal all-girls public school in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana (for a time, those schools separated high schools into boys' and girls' schools - it only ended up having us date boys we shouldn't have had anything to do with - boys who were NOT our peers from the classroom). I was in 10th grade but high school was essentially over for me at that point. I made friends in N.O. but no high school could match Tulsa's Nathan Hale at the time.

The best thing going for me in Tulsa was my wonderful drama teacher at the time, Charles Ellis, who owned the "Charle Ellis Studio of Drama."

I'll never forget him nor the day he gave a lecture to the class praising me and admonishing the rest of them... I was so stunned I thought I'd fall off my chair. I must have been about 13...

He was less happy with me at the age of 19 or so when I was living in a religious commune. I visited Tulsa and came to see him at his office at the Tulsa Ballet or was it the Tulsa Opera... I am sure he wanted more for me than where I was heading at that time.

Well, thankfully, I have a few more precious hours to enjoy here in my birthplace and I intend to make the most of it.

Truth is, it's good that I don't live here; no place could live up to the Utopia I wish for it. The religious commune was one of my attempts to find that Utopia; and a utopia it was for 2 years (until they excommunicated me - they had another word for it - definitely not a pleasant experience - they didn't like my new doctrinal views).

TULSA - one of my favorite cities on EARTH. Of the many blessings to be thankful for, I can count being born and raised (two stints and the bulk of my first 16 years) in wonderful, sweet TULSA, where there still live people who are the nicest people you thought didn't exist any more...

"Doubt" - Go see it, don't read this first.

If you have not seen the movie or play "Doubt," then don't read this until after you do - because to me, the worst thing in the world is when one goes into a play or movie with any kind of expectations or knowledge of what it's about or about the ending - the expectations always distort the experience. I just came back from seeing this movie minutes ago. I'm not revealing much about it here but you still should not read it if you have not seen it because it will influence you to some extent as to what to expect.

I looked forward to seeing the film of the play "Doubt" by John Patrick Shanley and the anticipation was well rewarded to say the least. I don't see how the movie could have possibly been better than it was. It's hard to get back to normal tasks because I don't want to dilute the experience of the movie and start thinking about other things.

I read the play around November 2007. At first I was disappointed to find that the story revolved around whether or not a priest was guilty of molestation because this topic had already been in the news of course, so much. But that disappointment vanished as I continued reading the play.

I read the play unfortunately after I missed my chance to see both the Broadway and touring companies with Cherry Jones and the original cast. I was vexed that I could not find anywhere a DVD of the play itself. I know that it's not the same to see a recording of a stage performance, but if there's no way to see these performances once they're over (surely there must be) then this is a crime! I really wanted to see Cherry Jones' much lauded performance AND all the others as well. I also had a hard time imagining Meryl Streep (who is in a class by herself among actresses, and whose movies have been favorites of mine since the start) in this role. Of course I should have known that she can do anything when it comes to acting. I loved her performance in this movie because it was so true and it had to come from the heart. And it must have been a very challenging role to play so well.

I don't see a lot of movies either because many of them contain things that are truly upsetting, and due to working much more since being self-employed. So only a few weeks ago did I finally see "Capote" and the wonderful performance by Philip Seymour Hoffmann.

"Doubt" really is not so much about the suspicion /or/actions that compel the sister to investigate a crime, but about the layers of harm and the consequences of those actions. Like feathers but much heavier (alluding to one of the sermons).

I'm so glad that I saw this movie by myself. If someone had been with me and had ruined the movie with some inane joke or complaint then it would have really diminished the experience.

The very end left me in tears (translation: a complete wreck; glad that there weren't many in that afternoon's screening due to the tears coming down my face and no doubt my expression), thinking of the price that was paid by one person for trying - succeeding even - to do the right thing.

Other lasting impressions: The scene in the classroom with the young nun becoming someone she'd never been. The boy who knew what was happening (especially when he saw his classmate's mother in the nun's office, with the priest anxiously at the door - what a telling picture that was).

This is a great movie, I will most definitely see it again soon, and read the play again, it is sheer brilliance. The playwright directed the film of his own play; that also was pretty amazing, and he most certainly has a triumph on his hands. I loved the art direction. Loved the recreation of a Catholic school from this time - something that is no more. (I did unfortunately work for a very unhappy nun for a year and it was definitely the pits.) Loved the hymn at the end credits. I would love to know everything that went into the creation of the play and the movie; I hope John Patrick Shanley narrates the commentary on the DVD (don't you hate it when you hardly ever get the principal players or directors on these commentaries, but they are still interesting).

"Doubt" is amazing, make sure to see it, but don't read this in advance.