Self-Check: Is This An Abusive Relationship?

Tip of the Day: People usually show their true colors early on. Pay close attention.

Hey Beautiful,

I'll always remember this: it was Fresno, California, and I was living at the YWCA Women's Residence Hall building - which at that time was a beautiful building where you could rent a room for $22 a week!

I had a darling blue room all to myself on the 2nd floor, and all I want to know is, why did I ever leave??

I made a couple of new friends there. One of them, Mary, talked to me one night about her abusive boyfriend. She told me that he literally was physically abusive.

"He beats me," she said, tears on her face. I'll never forget that moment.

That shocked me. But I was even more shocked when she somehow sneaked him in the window not long after that conversation - and got back together with him.

That was my first encounter close up with an abusive relationship. I was very naive then. But since then I've sadly seen a few more up close. It's especially tough to see this happen to young women who don't know what they're getting themselves into.

The trouble with an abusive or toxic relationship is: most people who are in them don't want to believe that there's something desperately wrong going on here.

Sometimes people walk into their first (and hopefully only) toxic relationship not knowing what they've gotten themselves into for a long time. They keep trying to make it work.

Want to know if you or someone else is in an abusive relationship? Let's talk about this.

Here are 9 "self-check" questions to identify an abusive or toxic relationship:

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #1: When you're WITH him, are you usually laughing... or crying?

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #2: Your times together turn into a familiar cycle of tension, conflict, misery, then desperately seeking reassurance, endless apologies, and making up. Soon the cycle starts again.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #3: Drugs or alcohol go hand in hand with your relationship troubles.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #4: You find yourself drawn into bickering and arguments that take up hours, while everything and everyone else is neglected.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #5: You don't want to call your relationship “abusive” even though others think it is. You feel that's laying all the blame on your partner. But you will admit that it's "toxic" - sometimes. Then later you'll change your mind on that.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #6: Despite the frequent tension and misery you experience from his harsh words, blame, and criticism - you feel fiercely loyal to your partner.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #7: You've become so accustomed to "walking on eggshells" to avoid upsetting your partner... that you no longer realize you're doing it.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #8: Friends and family frequently offer to help you leave the relationship. Eventually they start offering less often because they don't think you ever will leave.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #9: In spite of the constant fighting, you refer to your boyfriend as your “husband” or “fiance” as often as possible.

Now I don't yet have #10 of this "top ten" list - and I'm sure there are more than ten.

But I know someone out there can chime in with more observations or personal experiences of the hallmarks of an abusive or toxic relationship.

Feel free to send in what you'd like to share with readers - a brief comment for #10 "self-check" to help people start to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.

Because the biggest problem of all seems to be the women who are emotionally trapped and who may take months or years to break free.

Life is supposed to be joyful. If your relationship isn't bringing you joy, then it's time to figure out truly why that is.

Have a great day, and keep your Flirt on!

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of Secrets of Flirting With Men

"Argo" - If You Lived During This Time, Bring Extra Hankies When You See This Great Movie

The airplane scene from "Argo" got my attention and I then watched the whole thing. And again. And again. I can't help but think that anyone born around 1960 or earlier will be particularly affected by massive waves of nostalgia at seeing this movie. (It's a great movie no matter when you were born.)

As a result of this movie, I have learned so much more about the facts of the hostage crisis (more than what the movie shows) and about Tony Mendez, and more.

This movie and the people in it remind me so much of "larger-than-life" people and events in my own life at this same time.

The artists who created the look of this film did an amazing job recreating this time period. For anyone who lived during these days, it is profoundly affecting. (Translation: you will need at least five tissues!)

Photograph: Clea Duvall in "Argo"

Scarlett O'Hara, Vivien Leigh, Mission Statements, and Hot Love Affairs

Recently, I got my daughter to watch "GWTW" with me. Just having her experience this amazing movie, which is so far removed from what's out there today, was tremendously enjoyable. I hadn't seen this movie in years myself, and now I had a very much renewed appreciation for this movie.

As a teen and young adult, I read Margaret Mitchell's novel countless times. I still have my old paperback copy. I have studied much about her life and have always admired Margaret Mitchell greatly - she's definitely one of my heroes.

One thing I love about her was that she, like a few other heroes of mine, wrote ONE... GREAT.... BOOK.

Fortunately I read her book long before the ADHD age we all live in now. I hope I can read it again soon.

In fact, Scarlett herself provided my business with its Mission Statement:

"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folks. If I have to lie, steal, cheat, or kill, as God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again."

Yes, that Mission Statement has worked well for us in recent years. We stand by it. :)

Vivien Leigh and her "Scarlett" was beyond amazing. Who can imagine another person playing Scarlett. She was perfect. At the time, she was in a mad love affair with the great Lawrence Olivier and they were reportedly insanely hot for each other for many years. Of course, they married and shared many happy years, as well as difficult ones - it was a great love.

If you have never seen GWTW, you are seriously missing out - run, don't walk, and settle in for a lot of surprises. Then read the book and you'll get an even greater feast of knowledge about a time that was really not so long ago.

In the memorable words of Scarlett, "Take your hands off me.... you drunken fool."

Video Credit: Guiliana Delgado
Fantastic video, Guiliana!
http://www.youtube.com/user/giulianadp

Movie: Gone With the Wind (1939)
The many Academy Awards it received include Best Picture, Best Actress (Vivien Leigh), Best Supporting Actress (Hattie McDaniel), Best Screenplay (Sidney Howard), Best Director (Victor Fleming).

Video Credit: EternalLveStory08
http://www.youtube.com/user/EternalLveStory08

Wonderful video!

Merry Christmas!

I wish you a Merry Christmas by sharing with you some of my favorite Christmas music:
Mannheim Steamroller: "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"


Mannheim Steamroller: "Veni Veni"


Celtic Woman: "Christmas Pipes"

Married, Single, Divorced, Widowed - What???

You're filling out a job application, or it's your first visit to a doctor, and you're handed the usual forms.

The trouble is, they all ask you to describe your marital status!

Here are the choices:  Married, Single, Divorced, or Widowed.

What??

So, if you've been divorced, you can't check the Single box?

If you're widowed, hey, thanks for reducing this life tragedy to a check box on a piece of paper!!

One day, that question will join the ranks of the "not allowed" questions on forms!

They really leave off a lot of possibilities, too.

They should have a check box for:

* Married but planning my escape!

* Single, but secretly seeing a married person.

* Single, and until they pass gay marriage in my state, single, but really married.

* Divorced - YEARS ago.  Why do I still get dealt the "divorced" card??  Please!!  We need a statute of limitations here.

I'm sure you can think of some other possibilities!!

I read a newsletter that proclaimed, "Don't take relationship advice from someone who is not in a committed relationship!!!"

The person who wrote that is very young, but I have heard this from people who are old enough to know better!

Well, I'm single at this writing, and I give relationship advice. A lot of people have found wonderful committed relationships, marriages, and love because of reading my emails and books.

My current single relationship status has no bearing on my IQ, except possibly to improve it.

Oh, wait a minute, I'm not single. Not according to those forms.  I'm supposed to check the "divorced" box, officially.  Wow, that sounds so contentious and negative; it's like being branded!   Whatever the answer, it's a damned nosy question that has absolutely no purpose - except for giving numbers-crunchers fodder for statistics, like the ones that say, "Of the marital status categories, married men are the happiest, and married women are the least happy."  I love that one...

I'm not in love right now, but I do expect to fall in love again and get married. I'm sure when that happens, I'll mention it and even share a photo. But I don't plan to report every detail to the whole world to prove something.  Good advice and information stands on its own.

Contrary to what some people think, you don't prove your worth by being in a relationship all the time.

Check the census and welcome to the new century:  lots of people live on their own... and it's far from tragic!  The unhappily married people envy those who are free and single more than anyone because they know what they've got!

I see a lot of women who just want to grab on to any guy because they can't imagine life on their own.

Then I see other women who will welcome love when one special person becomes a part of their world.  These women write me often: they know what love is and what it isn't, and they don't need to settle just so they have their "man badge" or their "Mrs. Degree" to prove to some outsider that they're desirable or loving.  

Usually, they already GOT their Mrs. degree AND the T-shirt at least once before, when it was so ultra-important to get married before they turned 30.

If they marry again (and get the masters Mrs. degree?) they want to know that the T-shirt will fit and survive years of washings.  They're really not freaking out about being single to please other people's ideas of what makes them acceptable!

It's understandable when people who are really young think this way.... in due time they too will learn about the complexities of life (and of making and voicing negative judgments about people).

It's much better to go down your life path without striving to "find someone" just for the sake of being part of a couple.

I hear from women who are concerned about getting married because of their biological clock.  But we really can't force marriage, even if we'd like it.  Marriage for that reason would not really be marriage for the love of a particular person.  

I believe in love.  But love is highly personal.  It's a lot more than "Married, Single, Divorced, or Widowed"!