Self-Check: Is This An Abusive Relationship?

Tip of the Day: People usually show their true colors early on. Pay close attention.

Hey Beautiful,

I'll always remember this: it was Fresno, California, and I was living at the YWCA Women's Residence Hall building - which at that time was a beautiful building where you could rent a room for $22 a week!

I had a darling blue room all to myself on the 2nd floor, and all I want to know is, why did I ever leave??

I made a couple of new friends there. One of them, Mary, talked to me one night about her abusive boyfriend. She told me that he literally was physically abusive.

"He beats me," she said, tears on her face. I'll never forget that moment.

That shocked me. But I was even more shocked when she somehow sneaked him in the window not long after that conversation - and got back together with him.

That was my first encounter close up with an abusive relationship. I was very naive then. But since then I've sadly seen a few more up close. It's especially tough to see this happen to young women who don't know what they're getting themselves into.

The trouble with an abusive or toxic relationship is: most people who are in them don't want to believe that there's something desperately wrong going on here.

Sometimes people walk into their first (and hopefully only) toxic relationship not knowing what they've gotten themselves into for a long time. They keep trying to make it work.

Want to know if you or someone else is in an abusive relationship? Let's talk about this.

Here are 9 "self-check" questions to identify an abusive or toxic relationship:

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #1: When you're WITH him, are you usually laughing... or crying?

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #2: Your times together turn into a familiar cycle of tension, conflict, misery, then desperately seeking reassurance, endless apologies, and making up. Soon the cycle starts again.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #3: Drugs or alcohol go hand in hand with your relationship troubles.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #4: You find yourself drawn into bickering and arguments that take up hours, while everything and everyone else is neglected.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #5: You don't want to call your relationship “abusive” even though others think it is. You feel that's laying all the blame on your partner. But you will admit that it's "toxic" - sometimes. Then later you'll change your mind on that.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #6: Despite the frequent tension and misery you experience from his harsh words, blame, and criticism - you feel fiercely loyal to your partner.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #7: You've become so accustomed to "walking on eggshells" to avoid upsetting your partner... that you no longer realize you're doing it.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #8: Friends and family frequently offer to help you leave the relationship. Eventually they start offering less often because they don't think you ever will leave.

Abusive Relationship Self-Check #9: In spite of the constant fighting, you refer to your boyfriend as your “husband” or “fiance” as often as possible.

Now I don't yet have #10 of this "top ten" list - and I'm sure there are more than ten.

But I know someone out there can chime in with more observations or personal experiences of the hallmarks of an abusive or toxic relationship.

Feel free to send in what you'd like to share with readers - a brief comment for #10 "self-check" to help people start to recognize when a relationship is unhealthy.

Because the biggest problem of all seems to be the women who are emotionally trapped and who may take months or years to break free.

Life is supposed to be joyful. If your relationship isn't bringing you joy, then it's time to figure out truly why that is.

Have a great day, and keep your Flirt on!

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of Secrets of Flirting With Men