Married, Single, Divorced, Widowed - What???

You're filling out a job application, or it's your first visit to a doctor, and you're handed the usual forms.

The trouble is, they all ask you to describe your marital status!

Here are the choices:  Married, Single, Divorced, or Widowed.

What??

So, if you've been divorced, you can't check the Single box?

If you're widowed, hey, thanks for reducing this life tragedy to a check box on a piece of paper!!

One day, that question will join the ranks of the "not allowed" questions on forms!

They really leave off a lot of possibilities, too.

They should have a check box for:

* Married but planning my escape!

* Single, but secretly seeing a married person.

* Single, and until they pass gay marriage in my state, single, but really married.

* Divorced - YEARS ago.  Why do I still get dealt the "divorced" card??  Please!!  We need a statute of limitations here.

I'm sure you can think of some other possibilities!!

I read a newsletter that proclaimed, "Don't take relationship advice from someone who is not in a committed relationship!!!"

The person who wrote that is very young, but I have heard this from people who are old enough to know better!

Well, I'm single at this writing, and I give relationship advice. A lot of people have found wonderful committed relationships, marriages, and love because of reading my emails and books.

My current single relationship status has no bearing on my IQ, except possibly to improve it.

Oh, wait a minute, I'm not single. Not according to those forms.  I'm supposed to check the "divorced" box, officially.  Wow, that sounds so contentious and negative; it's like being branded!   Whatever the answer, it's a damned nosy question that has absolutely no purpose - except for giving numbers-crunchers fodder for statistics, like the ones that say, "Of the marital status categories, married men are the happiest, and married women are the least happy."  I love that one...

I'm not in love right now, but I do expect to fall in love again and get married. I'm sure when that happens, I'll mention it and even share a photo. But I don't plan to report every detail to the whole world to prove something.  Good advice and information stands on its own.

Contrary to what some people think, you don't prove your worth by being in a relationship all the time.

Check the census and welcome to the new century:  lots of people live on their own... and it's far from tragic!  The unhappily married people envy those who are free and single more than anyone because they know what they've got!

I see a lot of women who just want to grab on to any guy because they can't imagine life on their own.

Then I see other women who will welcome love when one special person becomes a part of their world.  These women write me often: they know what love is and what it isn't, and they don't need to settle just so they have their "man badge" or their "Mrs. Degree" to prove to some outsider that they're desirable or loving.  

Usually, they already GOT their Mrs. degree AND the T-shirt at least once before, when it was so ultra-important to get married before they turned 30.

If they marry again (and get the masters Mrs. degree?) they want to know that the T-shirt will fit and survive years of washings.  They're really not freaking out about being single to please other people's ideas of what makes them acceptable!

It's understandable when people who are really young think this way.... in due time they too will learn about the complexities of life (and of making and voicing negative judgments about people).

It's much better to go down your life path without striving to "find someone" just for the sake of being part of a couple.

I hear from women who are concerned about getting married because of their biological clock.  But we really can't force marriage, even if we'd like it.  Marriage for that reason would not really be marriage for the love of a particular person.  

I believe in love.  But love is highly personal.  It's a lot more than "Married, Single, Divorced, or Widowed"!

Joplin, Missouri

Click on these photos of Joplin, Missouri, to see the full-size version.

Last week, I was in the middle of a long drive for family reasons, and I stopped in Joplin, Missouri, because I wanted to see (and show my daughter) how things were there. A couple of weeks before the tornado hit, I'd stayed overnight in Joplin only a short distance from where the city was ravaged.

We ended up staying in Joplin for several days because our car blew a major belt and had more damage, and the parts had to be ordered. We were blessed to even get a hotel room, and one that takes dogs, too; because every room was booked for weeks. We only got the room because of the kindness of one desk clerk who called another hotel where she knew there had been an unexpected late evening check-out.

In spite of the situation in Joplin, people went out of their way to help us out. People are incredibly nice there. At the hotel's business center, I met a woman who was using the hotel computer because she'd lost her home and needed to enter her customers' Avon orders online, and the hotel was a place she could use a computer and get internet access.

As soon as we arrived, even before the car broke down, it was obvious that Joplin was in a state of transition. There was a lot of coming and going; people were carrying luggage and pets; they were getting supplies and making calls, and there was lots of traffic both in Joplin and entering Joplin from out of the city. Even in Springfield, which is about 50 miles away, the hotels were full of people who were staying there and traveling daily to help out in Joplin, and no doubt with Joplin residents who have been displaced from their homes.

This photo below is a side view of part of the huge campus of Hope High School, which was completely demolished. There was a lot going on there, with food being given away, not far from where there was a mobile health clinic.



Down the street from our motel, in a vacant lot on a busy street (S. Range Line Road), there was this child's bike, far from any residential area.




This song speaks for itself. Our drive was a major transition for us due to the closing of a cherished place and major changes in the lives of many people. The music here touched me greatly.

Send Me a Song - Celtic Woman

"Emma" - Great Moments

This is one of the best scenes in the 1996 film "Emma" with Gwyneth Paltrow. It's so much fun to read the expressions of the polite listeners in the room, isn't it? What a wonderful film. And I love this song, which is by Handel, titled "Silent Worship."



Two other favorite scenes from "Emma" (1996):



Hilarious:



Here is a wonderful video from 2009's "Emma" on BBC:

Celtic Woman Raises You Up

Put Celtic Woman in Your First Aid Kit:

If you are having a tough day, try this out: it's surprising how powerful this song is in the hands of Celtic Woman (from their album "Celtic Woman"). I got the album on iTunes, but this one single at 99 cents - well, the best things in life ARE free, or they are 99 cents. Here is a link to a very good version that doesn't allow embedding:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfwlj0gba_k

And here is a good embedded version - however, there is no substitute for hearing it blasting on some great speakers or earphones.

I know it seems like someone who writes for women would be inclined to really like a group that looks like this - but actually it's not their presentation that got me at all. It's the sound. Then I could appreciate the rest.

It would be very hard for anyone to hear Celtic Woman's take on "You Raise Me Up" and not be moved or inspired. These two performances are in different keys... either way, totally exquisite, an ear bath of the highest order with candles and pink water and a glass of something...

More on Women Who Love Soldiers - What Your Love Means To the Men Who Fight the Wars

Mimi, Please keep this discussion going, I am going through the same thing myself, however, my boyfriend is not deploying, but is in the AF and is being re-stationed in Hawaii. I have been so confused what to do and how to approach things. This series (as many from you) is extremely helpful.

Linda

Much more from women who love men in the military, and women who are IN the military.

These emails will touch your heart and maybe break it. All names have been changed.

Where to write to soldiers:

http://www.anysoldier.com/

Dear Mimi,

I can comment on this with experience. My husband was in the military for 33 years, and I know for a fact that a girlfriend needs to be there for him without ultimatums. He is not going to mention the big "M" word or discuss his relationship with you, because he has said nothing, take it at this point in time, that all is well.

What you are wanting to do, another woman did to my husband in Vietnam. She pressured him to get engaged, etc., and then she broke it off while he was over there and married someone else. It caused grave hurt and emotional scars. His mates have told me the effect on him as well as them. I met him after he came home from the war. I also had long separations from my man due to Military life and exercises and there is always risk.

Right now your guy needs your love support and loyalty. He will need your love, letters, care packages of essentials he does not have or cannot get, send photos, and do not write about your problems or insecurities. This man is about to go into a war zone and anything can happen. He will be nervous and possibly scared about it, but he will not say so. If anything negative happens with you, it could cost lives at the other end, due to his upset emotional state he will not be focusing as he should.

Take this time as a special time for you. Start those projects you want to do, spend time on you, set out to make yourself a confident and happy person. Still see friends, and maybe even his friends - but not too friendly with them !!!!! Reason: life with a military man means that there will be time apart, you and he have no control over this. The strength and depth of love will be shown by your confidence in him (NO BIG TALK).

He also needs to know that you are capable of being on your own and the trust and loyalty is there. This makes a very solid relationship and he can get on with what he has been sent to do with confidence all is well at home. Any negative things, Dear John letters, etc., has a real impact on all his colleagues and mates at the time, so your actions will also affect others and possibly their safety.

A lot a men in the military, due to the fact that there is always a danger, they often do not open up, they accept it "as is." If you do marry and have family later, your faith in him now and loyalty will be a very strong point with you relationship later raising children in his absence (been there and done that) he will feel safe with you, that you will not let him down. These situations make or break relationships in the military.

And what more..... when my husband died from war injuries a few years ago after 25 years of marriage to Him and the Military, while cleaning out his things, I found EVERY SINGLE letter I had ever written to him while he was away, tied with red ribbon. The ones written before we became engaged were tied separately in the bundle. It says a lot.

SO, tell him you love him, support him, love him from afar, every letter tell him you love him, be creative with your letters, (I used to draw coloured pictures on my envelopes, and the other guys would tell him there's a letter for you - it became a trademark and a high point for him, and some of the guys were envious of his girlfriend - he told me so when he came back), write about nice things that you did together and experienced together, this lets him know you care and that the relationship matters, give him positive information and above all Love and HOPE, and write OFTEN. This is war, not a holiday excursion. He may be killed, injured or disfigured, so he must know that it will not matter, that it is HIM that you love.

So if you love him and are serious about your relationship... BE THERE FOR HIM. Take the mental view that this is a new experience and get on with it with confidence, Wish him well, say goodbye with a smile and with love, no hysterics (seen that and not good), a tear is OK, and go home and cry in private, wreck your mascara. This will be his last memory of you until he gets back and it is important, be nicely dressed, smell nice, etc... This is giving him nice memories to hold him over until he comes home to you - this is one of the important memories of you.... most important.

This way he can be proud of you. And now his mates look after me, and I'm now in my 50s they are my friends too, and because the relationship with my husband - some of them served overseas in war with him; they look after me now. That is how it is with the Military (in Australia).

Best of Luck to Amy.

Mimi, there is so much more to this and I feel this young girl needs some really sound advice on how to handle herself and be there for him.

"Jean"

Hi Mimi,

Just one more thing about Amy and her "soldier boyfriend." While we all understand her need for commitment before he leaves, let's just consider one of the worst scenarios:

I had a friend who was very much in love with her GI boyfriend and he with her. Unfortunately he was sent overseas and got very badly injured. I won't go into the horrid details, but believe me, there wasn't much left of him when he came back, save his brain and his ability to speak...

He felt he wanted to release her from the relationship despite their previous agreement that they were in a committed relationship...

She felt torn between pity and loyalty... but had to admit to herself that she couldn't possibly have married him now.....

Had they waited for the 'talk' till he got back....... do I need to say more?

While I wish Amy all the best and her boyfriend all the luck in the world... I feel the 'talk' can wait... and wait...............

cheers.........

"Felicia"

Mimi:

You are "gorgeous"....

SFC "Rourke," just to add to your story... I have been back home for a little over 2 years from Iraq.

I got divorced when I returned home... People don't understand how much the "I care" packages mean to a soldier.

If you can not afford to send packages, his home station can help you out, but nothing means more than a slice of home when a soldier is away.

I did not get the "I care" packages... All I got was "I need, I need, I need," from my spouse, even when I had to be medivaced to Germany.. Anyway...

We are already under a lots of stress and we too have some fear in our hearts about being deployed.

You let "Amy" know that if she wants to keep her man... "Patience is a Virtue".... Let him know you care while he is gone and give him time when he returns home.

Once we return back to the good ole USA, we have to fit back in... I know it sounds strange but believe me it's not.... I cried because I went past my street for the third time in a row... "New Construction"... So our minds are looking for familiarity....

Hope it all works out......
"Rourke"

Hello,

I really feel for Amy. My brother was deployed to Afghanastan and his girlfriend was concerned about their relationship and what she should do. They had been together for 10 months and he is 35 and she, 30.

She ended up moving in with him to see if it would even work out 3 months before his deployment. (That may have been a mistake). It seemed to be fine, but when he left I asked him if she was getting a ring? He said no. His track record with women is bad in my opinion, I don't even bother to learn their names most of the time because he has picked poorly and I know they won't last long.

We all loved this girl and thought she was the one. He is the type of guy that is friends with all his ex's which I guess is a good thing. Anyway, he left for 6 weeks, was home for Thanksgiving then off to Afghanistan. He broke up with her in January. I was blown away! His excuse was that he didn't miss her so it must not be meant to be.

I think with his military job he has conditioned himself to feel little emotion and put up a wall. I have no idea if she said the wrong things or pushed or what, but he is sticking to his story. He got home a month ago and saw her twice in the first 4 days. It is of course just as friends and I think she needs to play hard to get and blow him off. He let her get away and he's never going to figure it out.

For Amy, since you and he are not in your 20's, he's been around the block and he is probably not wanting to rush into anything now at all. He is pre-occupied and what they go through just preparing to leave is intense. Just be positive for him and see how it goes after he's gone. You should know him well enough to sense a blow off after he's been gone a while. If he wants you he will let you know; if he doesn't, he will turn you loose. I know my BF would want me to wait for him but we are in an exclusive committed relationship and we now live together.

Don't whine or pressure him for anything. Believe me, they share stories and I'm sure he's heard an earful from his buddies and others about the drama. Don't be that person and he will respect you immensely.

Hang in there!

"Jenny"

Comments are welcome!